August 14, 2025

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A friend of mine notified me recently that she and her husband will be getting a divorce. My heart grieved deeply at her text message. I know that her marriage does not have to end this way, and I am fervently praying that it will not. But the end result depends on several factors, chief of which is a strong desire, at least on the part of one of the spouses, to save the marriage.

Perhaps you, too, are facing serious struggles in your marriage. Perhaps you, too, are feeling that you and your spouse are incompatible. If so, listen up, for what I’m about to share with you will, if you are open to it, alter your marriage and set it on a trajectory for success.

When we find “the one,” we are all starry-eyed with this perfect person who, we are sure, will make us happy for the rest of our days. Our hearts sing and our hormones are in overdrive. We can’t conceive of any human being more wonderful than our beloved.

So, we get married and begin life together. But then life kicks in. Real life, I mean. We soon discover that instead of feeling alive in the relationship, we may feel disappointed, disillusioned, or downright depressed. Some of us may even feel as though we are dying and the relationship is dying with us.

One day, we awaken to the truth that our beloved is not flawless as we had supposed, but as flawed as we are. We realize that he or she will not meet all of our needs, for only God can do that. (But we haven’t learned that truth yet.)

So, what do we do? We begin focusing on our spouse’s weaknesses instead of his or her strengths. We begin to focus on the negatives instead of the positives. On the way he always leaves his socks on the bathroom floor, or the way she always forgets to put the cap back on the toothpaste.

And in so doing, we drive ourselves into the pit of regret where the spirits of divorce dwell.

And here is what they whisper (or shout) to us:

__You married the wrong person.
__You need to get out of this relationship and get out of it fast.
__This person is toxic for you.
__You deserve better than this.
__You’re incompatible. Go find someone else who is compatible.

And on and on it goes, while you are listening intently to every lying word these evil spirits utter and, worse yet, you are agreeing with them!

So, what are you to do if you find yourself in a seemingly incompatible marriage or on the verge of divorce? Here are some Biblical principles that, if applied, can turn your marriage completely around and make it what God intended it to be.

First of all, let’s define compatibility. According to the Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary, compatibility means being “capable of existing together in harmony.” To be capable of doing something is to be able to do it. So to be capable of existing together in harmony means being able to do so.

When couples say they are incompatible—in other words, they are not capable of existing together in harmony—what they are actually saying is that they don’t understand the true dynamics of marriage. Whether we realize it or not, God brings couples together for the purpose of healing each other. Studies have shown that we are subconsciously drawn to the spouse we choose based on that spouse’s ability to bring healing to our life and on our ability to bring healing to our spouse. The danger lies in not knowing and understanding this truth. Most of us don’t. And most of us never will.

Not understanding the truth that marriage is a mutual healing journey is the reason you and your spouse may be continually fighting. Fighting is simply the outward sign that your spouse has touched an inner wound, causing you to flinch and to protect yourself from further hurt by fighting back. When your spouse touches your inner wound, it becomes a trigger that sets off the fighting.

According to Pastor Jimmy Evans, pastor and expert marriage counselor, there are two things we need to remember when it comes to compatibility:

1. God has wired us to choose a spouse who is our opposite. While we try to choose someone just like us, God leads us to choose someone who is exactly opposite us in temperament and personality. We don’t need a spouse just like us because someone just like us would have similar wounds and would not be able to heal us. But someone who is our opposite will supply what we lack, and vice versa. To heal is to fill an emotional hole with the love one needed but did not receive. Only an opposite can do that. As my husband wisely says, “if we were both the same, one of us would not be necessary.”

“To heal is to fill an emotional hole with the love one needed but did not receive.“

When it comes to compatibility, I am not saying that we should not share similar beliefs, values, and character. Indeed, compatibility is based on sharing similar beliefs, values, and character. We want a spouse who shares these traits, someone with whom we can live life safely. At the same time, two people can share similar beliefs, values, and character yet be totally opposite in personality and temperament.

2. We subconsciously choose a spouse who can bring us healing from the wounds of our past. Because your spouse is your opposite, he or she is the best person to do this. Your spouse can fill in the gaps of of love that are missing in your life. And you can do the same for your spouse.

If you are being tempted with thoughts of incompatibility, do this:

1. Admit to your spouse that you are wounded.
2. Allow your spouse the freedom to talk about his or her wounds without being attacked. Be a safe place for your spouse.
3. Be humble and ask God to heal you. Focus on your faults, not on those of your spouse.

As you humble yourself before God and before your spouse, you will discover that what you thought was incompatibility is actually compatibility of the best kind.

Until next time, remember the Golden Rule of great relationships: Do unto others what you would have them do unto you.

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Copyright 2025 by MaryAnn Diorio, PhD, MFA. All Rights Reserved.

Source Cited:

“Are You and Your Wife Compatible?” by Jimmy Evans
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J3LPx037A4U

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