July 26, 2025
SUBSCRIBE HERE to The Relationship Road.
Few things harm a marriage relationship more than a self-righteous spouse. This scenario often occurs when one spouse has been born again and the other has not. But it can also occur in a marriage where both spouses have been born again.
What is self-righteousness?
According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, self-righteousness is the state of being convinced of one’s own moral and spiritual superiority over another’s moral and spiritual condition. In a marriage especially, this is a sure recipe for trouble.
At its core, self-righteousness is pride. The self-righteous spouse believes that he or she is spiritually and morally superior to the other spouse, and that he or she needs to “teach” the other spouse how to live. Such an arrogant attitude on the part of the self-righteous spouse causes a breach in the marriage relationship that, if not repaired, will lead to a serious fracture in the relationship and, possibly, complete breakage.
The Bible has a lot to say about self-righteousness. Self-righteousness was a dominant trait of the Pharisees, a religious sect that believed itself to be superior among the Jews. In fact, Jesus was very clear about his hatred of the self-righteous attitude of the Pharisees. At one point in Scripture, He calls them “whitewashed tombs” (Matthew 23: 27) and “a brood vipers” (Matthew 12: 34).
Why did Jesus hate self-righteousness, also called Phariseeism, so much? Because bottomline, self-righteousness is hypocrisy. It is seeing oneself in a false light and making oneself out to be better than one truly is. Most of all, self-righteousness is basing one’s righteousness on one’s works.
And this, my friend, is in direct contradiction to the Gospel of Grace which teaches us that we are saved only by faith in Christ’s grace, not by our works (Ephesians 2: 8-9).
Signs of a Self-Righteous Spirit
What are some signs that you may have a self-righteous spirit? Here are a few:
1) Do you believe that your perspective is the only right one, thereby minimizing your spouse’s perspective?
2) Do you have an overwhelming need to judge your spouse?
3) Do you continually point out to your spouse his or her faults and offer solutions for correcting them?
4) Do you have difficulty admitting you are wrong and find yourself continually justifying your actions?
5) Do you have difficulty empathizing with your spouse’s feelings or point of view?
6) Do you tell others about your good works in an attempt to seek their admiration and validation of your worth?
7) Do you cringe at constructive criticism from your spouse and find yourself resistant to correction?
8) Do you see life as black and white and find it difficult to nuance? Do you often use words like always and never when speaking with your spouse?
9) Do you seek the approval of others and become defensive when others challenge you?
10) Are you afraid to engage in conversations with people who think differently from the way you think?
If you saw yourself in any of the above, you may be in the grips of self-righteousness. Ask the Holy Spirit to show you if this is the case. If it is, repent and embrace humility.
Remember: no one on this earth has all the answers. As Scripture tells us in First Corinthians 13: 12, we “see through a glass darkly.” So let us humble ourselves before the mighty hand of God and treat our spouses as we would like to be treated.
For an example of a self-righteous spouse, read The Rabbi and Mrs. Goldstein, Book 2 in my fiction series titled The Wives of Old Cape May.
A 19th-century rabbi’s wife accepts Yeshua as the Messiah and faces divorce, destruction, and death.
SUBSCRIBE HERE to The Relationship Road.
________________________________________________________________
Copyright 2025 by MaryAnn Diorio, PhD. All Rights Reserved.