It may not be what you think it is.

by Dr. MaryAnn Diorio

June 14, 2025

Hello and Happy Day! This is Dr. MaryAnn Diorio, Certified Life Coach and Award-Winning Novelist, welcoming you to another episode of The Relationship Road. Today is June 14, 2025, and this is Episode #2 in Series 2025. Today’s episode is “What Is Relationship?”

Lest you find this question rather simplistic—after all, everyone knows what a relationship is, right?—let’s stop to consider. What, in truth, is a relationship?

A relationship is a connection. Usually it occurs between two people, but it could occur between a person and his dog or cat. For our purposes, we will discuss human relationships, relationships that occur between two human beings, for those are the relationships that cause the greatest conflict. (Have you ever had an argument with your dog? The dear creature probably just stood there and stared at you.)

One thing I’ve learned in life, especially in regard to relationships, is that it is critically important to define one’s terms. If I have one definition for “relationship” while you have another, we could end up going in opposite directions with no relationship at all. (By the way, the same principle applies when solving relationship conflicts. Agree on your definitions before you even start the discussion).

Since your definition of relationship may differ from mine, we will need to establish some points in common in order to understand each other. In other words, we need a common denominator.

So, here are a few definitions of relationship that I culled from major dictionaries:

Merriam-Webster: “the state of being related.”
The American Heritage Dictionary: a “connection or association.”
The Cambridge English Dictionary: “the way in which two or more people feel and behave towards each other.”

Leave it to the British to offer what I think is the clearest definition for our discussion purposes: A human relationship has to do with how two people feel and behave towards each other.

Now let’s consider this definition carefully. The operative words are “feel” and “behave.” In a relationship, we usually “behave” toward the other person according to the way we “feel” about the other person. This is not to say that this is the right way of relating, but it is the way we normally relate.

For example, if we like another person, we treat that person in a manner different from the way we treat someone we don’t like.

On the surface, this may sound logical. After all, as our culture tells us, we need to listen to our feelings, don’t we? But at its core, treating a person based on our feelings for him is a recipe for a disastrous relationship.

Why?

Because good relationships are not built on feelings but on choices.

Let me give you an example. Suppose I have a co-worker who really gets on my nerves. I have no positive feelings for that person, only repulsion. If I were to treat that co-worker based on how I feel about her, I would not treat her very well. If I did not treat her well, I could lose my job. Worst of all, I could cause great emotional pain to another human being.

On the other hand, suppose I make the choice to put aside my negative feelings and to treat that co-worker as I would like to be treated. I would find that our working relationship would be a lot more congenial and our workday a lot more pleasant. In the process, as I learn more about my co-worker, I might even discover that I actually like her!

There is a saying that our perspective is our reality. In other words, how we see life matters. How we see people also matters.

When people seem obnoxious to us, we usually have no idea why we feel that way. Perhaps that person reminds us of someone who hurt us in childhood. Or perhaps that person reminds us of something within ourselves that we don’t like about ourselves.

It is an established psychological principle that if we don’t like a character trait in another person, we usually struggle with that same character trait ourselves. This concept is referred to as “projection” and is a defense mechanism whereby we attribute to others the very character traits we don’t like about ourselves. And we do this because we don’t want to confront that negative trait in ourselves.

For example, a bully projects his own poor self-image issues onto the person he is bullying. The bully doesn’t want to face his own insecurities, so he attempts to make someone else feel insecure, thereby making himself feel secure because he falsely thinks that he has overpowered someone else.

The projection process often occurs unconsciously and can distort perceptions of others, leading to misunderstandings in relationships.

Since a relationship is a connection, it is imperative that we view it as an equal connection, one in which both parties deserve respect and understanding.

Next time, we will delve more deeply into the fundamental principle of every good relationship. You may be surprised to find out what that is.

So, until next time, remember to treat others as you would like to be treated.

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Copyright 2025 by MaryAnn Diorio, PhD, MFA. All Rights Reserved.

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